Finally, a product that banishes the need to expend the tremendous effort required to walk. To be fair, I can see some positive uses for such a product: The elimination of the need for a vehicle for those in urban areas where pollution and automobile parking space are a concern, and the ability for mail carriers and couriers to make deliveries faster, to name a few. However, as with any new technology, we must not be blinded by the cool-sounding jargon and engineering that will have us foolishly believing (yet again) that the latest gadgetry is going to lead to an end to all human suffering and usher in a new era of world peace.

Many of the people willing to shell out the $5000 for this product are likely to be the same people claiming that health club memberships, nutritious food, personal trainers, and exercise equipment are too expensive, and that they don't have time to workout. With our country suffering under an epidemic of obesity that shows no sign of stopping, it is perfectly valid to question the wisdom of a product with the potential to limit or nearly eliminate one of the only forms of activity that manly people consistently perform in their daily lives. You already know the many health benefits of walking. Now walking instead of using a Segway can save you $5000 as well!

The tag line for the product really makes appeals to our need to feel superior to others, to squeeze every second of productivity out of every day, and to appear intelligent. The tag line reads as follows: “Welcome to the evolution of mobility. Cover more ground. Be more productive. Move more intelligently.” Very slick. In other words, buy a Segway and you are more evolved, have greater range, and are more productive and intelligent than the rest of us Neanderthal, antiquated, ambulatory bipeds. Furthermore, the Segway is marketed as the “transportation solution” for the future. I had no idea that walking was such a problem that it required the engineering genius of the Segway to provide a solution.

Let’s see how much of a “solution” that is for the rubes that actually buy this product. It doesn’t navigate stairs at all and weighs 85 pounds. It’s hard to see someone on the Segway and not snicker with the realization that the individual paid thousands of dollars to look spectacularly ridiculous. The user stands on a platform with two wheels on either side. The support handle makes the device look like a podium with wheels. Movement is initiated by sensors within the device that read shifts in body weight and then moves the Segway in that direction. If you want to move forward, you lean forward. The engineering behind the Segway is truly marvelous. But just because we have the ability make something does not necessarily mean that we should.

The more you learn about this product, the more ridiculous it seems. You must be below a body weight of 250 pounds to use the Segway. I wonder how long the users will stay under that weight when they eliminate the calorie burn of walking. Also, the manufacturer recommends (I promise I’m not making this up) using snow tires on the Segway if using it in the snow.

The description of the Segway as a “Human Transporter” tries to make it sound innovative by using pseudo-scientific jargon. Using similar semantic silliness, my shoes are human transporters. A cooler is a “thermo-regulatory food transportation device,” and a briefcase is an “office supply and electronic equipment transport vehicle.”

Before large masses of people begin spending thousands of dollars on a product that addresses a problem that doesn’t exist, some serious consideration needs to be given to the potentially negative impact on the health of the general population from the use of such a product. Modern living already makes it too easy to get pulled away from the activities which renew our body, mind, and spirit. To me, this seems like yet another product to distract us from the hard-core reality that much about our culture has us making a speedy segue from life to death.

A slogan on the Segway homepage reads, "Get Moving." That's interesting, given that moving is the very thing it helps you do less of.